Love, Life, and Dive.

loveliveanddive
Just in time when I asked myself what was it like to be in love..

Then life gifted me :

a picture to see everytime I close my eyes,
the feel when the ocean hug you tight,
the bubbles from the breathing singing a song,
a trust to people you just met to take care each other safely,
the sight of many wonders,
time to remember,
Salts that heals,
And a heart to feel.
..
Alhamdulillah

#gratitude

 

 

Belajar Bersyukur.

Meresapi,

Merasuki,

Menyusupi,

Makna dibalik airmata,
Rasa dibalik hela nafas,
Logika dibalik kata-kata,
Cerita dibalik tawa,
Angan dibalik cinta,
Tujuan dibalik perjalanan,
Pemahaman dibalik perbedaan.

Saat lidahku kelu tak berucap
Saat lututku kaku tak bertekuk
Saat mulutku bisu tanpa sujud

Hanya satu yang mampu menyahut
menggapaiku tanpa perlu rasa tahu
tanpa syarat dan tanpa hasrat

tetap berjaga tak terusir..
tetap bertahan tak terusik..
tetap mencinta tak tergubris..
tetap berdoa tanpa menanti..
tetap tersenyum dengan hati..
tetap hidup diantara yang mati..

Tak ada lagi yang bisa terucap,
selain sujudku untukmu,
dalam setiap nafasku, aku bersyukur…

 

taj-mahal

Belajar Bernafas.

Diantara sadar dan tak sadar,
Ada nadi yang bergetar,
Seiring nada terhantar,
Diantara udara yang terhampar.

Diantara ada dan tiada,
Hadir bait kehidupan,
yang terungkap tanpa ucapan,
dan berdetak dalam dekapan.

Dan aku pun mulai menghela,
mengatur hembusan diantara detak,
terhatur syukur tanpa suara,
dalam alunan darah yang menjalar,

Dan aku pun mulai menghembus,
diantara yang tercipta dan yang terhapus,
mengalun lembut dalam sukmaku,
seolah ia berbisik dalam relungku…
aku selalu ada didirimu..

dalam sunyi dan bisingmu..

dalam gelap dan terangmu..

dalam senyum dan sedihmu..

dalam setiap helaan nafasmu..

karena engkau adalah aku dan aku adalah engkau..
dalam alunan kehidupan..

 

img_2177

 

 

3 Little Lies Across My 30k in Mt. Bromo

 

A call for EPIC Decision

Honestly, I don’t know why I signed up for this 30k in Bromo. I never do 30k and not yet even a half marathon. I know my training schedule will be a mess between deadlines and priorities. As far as I thought, fate doesn’t want me to go this far. There been signs why I keep failing to fulfill my destinies. So I thought that there’s no such thing as 3rd chance in life..

None of this writings ever exist if someone has not talked me into this race, I don’t remember the conversation, but I do remember how it made me feel. So I thought,
heart wont lies, this could be one of the best decision I have ever made in my life, at least in this year. I need something good to remember. Just something good is good enough.

Making vows to ourselves, to run till it burns – to crash ourselves – and to scream hard on the top. Good energy and a feeling, knowing that going to this amazing race will do me my-eternal-sunshine-of-the-spotless-mind trick.  I need to rebuild my life with good feelings and memories.

I don’t have specific reason nor ambition, and I know I’m gonna take longer time then it should, but one thing I committed to is that I will finish this by daylight on foot. No matter what, I will keep on moving.  As it seems that is the only promise I kept. To keep moving on, before the sun sets.

#1 I didn’t run till it burns. I got sprained angkle on my left after 3km (oh yes it’s frustrating thinking that I still go for 27km more and that you see that you need to climb a rocky cliff ahead!),  then I decided that if I wanna reach the finish line I will need to respect the capability of my body. So I walked at most, ran whenever I can, make a stop whenever I may to   e  n  j  o  y    t  h  e    p  a  i  n .
I have an incredible body that have strong resistance to pain and would assume this is because I’m a mother J.  As I believe our body will serve us well when asked nicely.

So yes it hurts, but I didn’t feel it burns, not as in when I race 10k wanting to speed up with my super speedy gal to the finish line.  Perhaps burning yourself is unnecessary for this one, this one is not for the race, but for the journey instead. Perhaps that’s how I soothe myself.

#2 I didn’t crash myself. I finally can say that I either love myself too much to be crushed or that you can not crash a crushed self. Beyond that I feel more than alive.

The only crash I was onto was the sandy dunes. Crashed, kneeled down, sat, and just let my legs warmth by the burning sands of midday in Bromo, tried to chew some grain bar which I can not digest anymore. Getting to the top of sandy dunes what is famously known as the whispering sands, I literally heard sounds of whispers. Thought that I might gone crazy of being along walking up and down the path of those reflective flags directing to climb the great Bromo crater. But I guess I am that crazy to start this might as well be crazy enough to finish this. Anyway I’m pretty damn sure that if I gave up on those sandy dunes, noone will ever gonna find me, as I will be covered with sands and hidden beneath yet noone seems to be around anyhow. So yes, I’m relieved when a 102k participant came across and asked if I were ok, I saw human! I’m still sane and alive. While I bet people who saw me smiling all by myself have no idea if I went mental already under the burning sun.

Sometimes I wished that I had my friend did 30k with me, at least I have someone to keep me sane. Or that if he did 102k I’m pretty sure we gonna meet up somewhere in between this desert and bromo crater then I will have the courage to slap him in the face or nag him to drag me across the dunes! Ha! That would be a perfect suffering for him to literally drag me! :D

But anyway, he must’ve been in pain already with his thoughts and tummy – rather I left him in peace. I feel sorry for him already for missing the adventure he’s been longing to…

 

#3 I didn’t SCREAM on top.

Yeah I know this sounds kinky already in writing moreover if you listen to my voice in between aching and enjoying, on certain part yes I did my ohh—yeaaahh—kinda—scream, along the ran between B29 and Jemplang to which part luckily – I hope – I was on my own. God forbid I hope I was on my own!! Otherwise people would thought that I had multiple orgasms beneath the bushes on the top of the mountain. But yeah yes there were other people passing by with trail motorcycles which I despise most to my rhinitic chronic to carbon monoxide ! So I choose to be wiser. Be Silent, Rini – as so I said to myself. Before I attracted anyone to rape me.

Leaving that hideous thinking, I rather be silent for my own safety, the sound of my own heartbeat and pulse that rushed in my veins.

I tried to be mindful of my surroundings.

My sore throat was a bless in disguise wont allowing me to exploit any voice that much. I figure to safe the energy for later.. like later when I decide to scream at my friend who made me do this! The first thing came across my mind when I managed to B29 was why the hell am I even listening to this guy, what on earth has he talked me into, what was really the conversation, I wasn’t sure why am I signing for this after all. And so I figure one good reason that he gotta be a goddamn sales person that win me over this pitch, I noted myself to be very very very careful with this one. Like careful that he might make you jump over a cliff in the name of love!!

I put my heart to my conscience. Thanked him for this painful and amazing journey…

For when I looked back..

……..I saw the impossible things turned to be possible.

… I saw the decision I have made to face Bromo once again from a different angle..

… I face my demon which a year ago cut my heart to pieces,
and now it gave me the greatest feeling.

I feel alive. And immensely in love.

This is not about the distance nor the elevation, nor medals and finishing tees. This is about moving on even when your mind think it’s better for you to stop or that you can not do it. It is about persistence even in silence to move forward when the people you met encourage stop or do the short cuts.

As in life, you know best what you’re aiming and as well the decision on how you’ll be doing it.

Whatever happens, keep on moving. Cause life always has its way as long as you keep on trying…

 

 

PS. You will always be an ultra runner and an inspiration for me.  So no I wont slap you!

then what?

so now you have your license to use your sword, what would you do ?

I go and meet the demon. my demon. 

where do you gonna find him ?

not sure. I’m sure he’ll appear one day.

then what ?

then to face him with my sword.

to kill him ?

I wish I could.

Why can’t you? aren’t you the one who look for him?

you can not kill love with swords.
It only kills the demon you face but not the demon in you.

Then why you do you wanna look for him ?

to find him

then what?

to cut the bond between us..
to let him go, set him free..

then what?

then I shall be free.. 

 

About our greatest strength

strength

We often live by expectation. Of the people we love, of the society, of our religion, and of ourselves.

And forget one thing that truly matters. All the things we live by means nothing, if we forgot what we have inside us. not those that we own in our surrounding.

Whatever that you do my dear daughter, you need to know that choosing for your happiness to live beyond expectation is not a sin.

You will find your greatest strength within you, and sometimes it reveals when you have nothing at all but yourself to hold onto.

What every mother wants is for their daughter to be happy. Live for yourself and don’t live your life for someone else.

 

May 10th 2014